I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
