I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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