God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
