Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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