dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
