this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
