Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
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I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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