she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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