Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
