I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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