So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you will always have a special place in my vag
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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