Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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