I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My pussy is not your playground.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
