do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
