my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
