my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
