My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
