Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
