She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
