Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
