The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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