Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?