Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.