I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
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It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
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This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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