I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
