I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
