laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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