6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
