my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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