hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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