areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
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Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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