He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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