just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize