I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
