You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
