My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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