She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I want a musical about memes.
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