This is not my ceiling
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
