My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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