so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
