I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
