I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
