Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
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She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
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You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly