I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
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