Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
