This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
