bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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