Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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