3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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