hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
