why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
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And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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