I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The Olympian is in my bed
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
