I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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