I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
