Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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