note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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