That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
