how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
