oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
