His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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