i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
