just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
