i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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