You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
