Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
