wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
