What did we do last night that was yellow?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
