tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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